Reflections on 50

Reflections on 50
12/1/2006 7:32:56 PM

August 25, 2006

It’s sobering to realize that you’re on the downhill side of life. There’s a lot less coming than what’s past – and you don’t really know how much. It concentrates the mind on appreciating life. (Though sometimes I’m amazed I’ve made it this far)

I’ve always felt that it is the routine that robs us of our lives. It’s those special, unique experiences that are out of the ordinary that mark our memories; that stand out. And it’s cruel that as you get older the time seems to go faster. It’s like being on this hurtling car and as much as you try to put on the brakes, you can’t make it slow down or stop.

I’ve concentrated on slowing down; but habits of a lifetime are hard to break. I try to remind myself ‘there’s no reason to rush.’ Try to remember; you live for yourself; not for others expectations. There really isn’t someone or thing hanging over your shoulder; watching, with critical expectations (as I’ve always had for some reason).

There’s also a bit more of an ability to cast off a lot of hang-ups and be more uninhibited….maybe a bit more open-minded. I’m much more willing now to being spontaneous on the drums; I could take dancing lessons with Martha and not be self-conscious about it. I really don’t care what people think as much as I used to.

(The only problem is that there are still family and employers that have certain expectations that we still have to meet)

One of the realizations I’ve made is that I tend to overcomplicate or “over-engineer” everything. When I built a deck on our house on 7th St., Paul told me I’d over built it so strongly it would survive a nuclear blast. I tend to think things are more complicated than they really are. That’s created some mental blocks or inhibitions to try things because I’ve thought they were too difficult. But having reached this age, I more inclined to ‘go for it,’ partly because I feel the press of time. And ironically, I can get more done if I slow down.

So, I’ve made some new resolutions; to slow down and literally look around and smell the roses. There’s no reason to rush into the office…maybe stop at a book store and look around…take a walk. I’ve always been so urgently been trying to meet obligations; to get that ‘to do’ list knocked off.

Similarly, to appreciate the moment. I was saying goodnight to my son, Patrick, and realized that while I was doing it, I was thinking of getting out of there and getting on to the next thing. And it occurred to me – that’s where the time goes. And that’s where life goes. Rushing headlong into the next thing. Not thinking of now. All those memories get lost while the brain is hurtling to the next task. When I was looking through photo albums the other night, a little voice of regret was telling me that I really didn’t appreciate the “now” – then. I was thinking about the ‘next thing I had to get to.’ This is a very, very hard thing to do – but figuring out how to get past all that internal baggage and slow down is key to living life. Or it will be over without a next thing to get to.

One of the most important things to do is establish a “not do” list.