The Neighborhood Picnic

The Neighborhood Picnic
9/19/2009 7:19:53 PM
It's becoming something of a tradition, and maybe more significant than any of us originally expected - an annual reunion of childhood friends on Labor Day weekend for a picnic at a suburban Chicago forest preserve. For my friends and me it's really a musical "gig"; a regimented, semi-serious performance that consumes many hours of practice and preparation. It's also the source of a great deal of anxiety, and I'm now frankly grateful that it's a couple weeks past and I'm able to sort through the event and its aftermath. One one level it's clearly about musicianship -- which has always been the coin of the realm. And I'm clearly a pale performer compared to some of these guys who have been doing it somewhat professionally for years. Knowing that generates a further "catch-22" in that my confidence gets severely shaken which makes the performance problem worse. (you know the saying.....the only thing you have to fear is fear). So much so that following a summer practice in Chicago I seriously considered blowing the whole thing off and not going back. They don't really need me. I screw things up and I can sense them holding their breath when I'm playing. Danny could do a much better job. I'm just being indulged - at best; more likely tolerated. I was noodling this over when Dan called and gave me some direction and even some encouragement. I was enormously grateful for that and my attitude shifted; a bit more confidence and a touch of 'let's just have fun with it.' (though I knew that wouldn't last). I did, indeed, screw some things up and felt like a heal. My friends were still supportive and told me not to worry about it (they made some mistakes too), but ultimately it was seriously demoralizing. And again, I was asking, why do I put myself through this? Part of the problem is purely psychological baggage. Much like adults can't go home to parents without turning into the teenagers they once were, I don't think rekindled childhood friendships can't get past the roles they once played with one another. I find myself feeling measured against standards -- musicianship among them -- that threaten my self-confidence, that are clearly history -- and totally ridiculous. That's not to say that they are intended - because at least consciously, I'm certain they aren't. But it exists, nonetheless, and I have to grapple with it. I'm a highly successful professional in my career and in the Washington, D.C. community. I'm highly respected by peers and have become immensely confident in my talents and abilities -- especially strategically. And I've build a solid well-rounded private life with a great marriage, four sons and appreciation of a diversity of taste and experience that is completely lost on my childhood buddies. So why should I get so rattled by these events? Why can't I maintain the dominance and confidence I live with in every other part of my life? Just the baggage, I suppose. What I do know is that I made myself go through this -- and go through some similar experiences - when I know there is a very good likelihood that I will stumble, probably embarrass myself, and maybe even let some folks down, because taking risks for the benefit of living out life, trying to achieve dreams, having fun and trying to connect, are ultimately what's important. At the end of our lives, do we want to remember our regrets -- or the fact that we tried, and maybe had some fun along the way.